I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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