i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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