i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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