I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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