I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
