I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
