Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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