not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't deserve a penis
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
