is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
