She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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