Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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