Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
