No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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