he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
