No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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