I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
