God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
