I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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