im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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