Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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