I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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