just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
