I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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