I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
