I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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