insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
