i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
