Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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