the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
