Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
