I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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