Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize