so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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