Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
