Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
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I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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