Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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