textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
