After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
