wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
