New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
