Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
