2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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