first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i think my cat just said my name.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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