help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
