If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's always time for handjobs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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