I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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