Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
