I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
