YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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