Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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