We're like a lot better than the average bears
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's just like the Real World with babies
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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