You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
