My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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