At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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