No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
