Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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