What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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