Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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