I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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