Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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