guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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