you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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