Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
